Dead Clone’s Legacy Reveals Holy Grail

A replicated trader who drowned in a puddle last year left behind the ultimate quantitative model in his computer, according to his partner, Min Max.

“It gets all the Greeks right, even the ones nobody knows about,” said Mr. Max, speaking at a press conference he held by a manhole. “Omicron, rho, tau, they’re all perfect, the signs are right going back 120 years. Lambda is nothing to these. It’s just the dream model.”

He demonstrated the derivation of upsilon on the sidewalk, but declined to explain it, except for saying it is one of the Greeks. “This is proprietary,” he said, washing the symbols off the sidewalk with a water bottle before reporters could copy them.

“I don’t have time to explain because I have to go and short sell Patsy’s immediately,” he said, disappearing into the manhole.

Mr. Max’s partner drowned under mysterious circumstances, although it was reported that he was trying to escape from alligators in the New York sewage system. How he came to possess the model is unclear.

Journalists looked for treasure in the manhole after Mr. Max was gone, but none could be found.

Mortadella May Sell Stake to Sovereign Wealth Fund

Markets were roiled by rumors that Mortadella Investment Group LLC is in discussions with a government-controlled wealth fund from Asia or the Middle East. The fast-growing multi-strategy hedge fund is said to be looking for an infusion of cash to buy investment banks.

Manager Jeff Mortadella, a reclusive financier who made a fortune trading cured meat futures and later diversified into loans and media, declined to comment through a spokeswoman.

Bank stocks shot up in expectation of an acquisition by Mortadella but went down later in the day as traders lost hope of a deal.

The US dollar lost ground as some observers argued that the sale is troubling. “When an American institution like Mortadella may be owned by a foreign government, it’s no surprise that Americans feel the country has lost its way,” said professor Joshua Joshing from Dunkel University Business School.

Mr. Mortadella was last seen last month attending a lavish gala for the benefit of the Foundation for Body Painting and Tattoo Arts, a philanthropic organization he set up.