Ayn Rand Sentenced to Pillory

The philosopher Ayn Rand has been condemned to 40 years of pillory time for causing the financial crisis, $30 trillion in losses, the collapse of banks and the Barnard Madoff fraud. Because she opposed government intervention, regulators did not sufficiently control financial firms, resulting in mayhem.

She may have also passed air without getting a license and government permission. The breaking of wind, left largely unregulated for centuries, is widely blamed for creating bubbles. Recently a new bureau, the Federal Agency for Rectal Transmission, was set up to supervise the passing of air and prevent systemic excess.

A spokeswoman said that Rand’s voluminous writings on individualism are sufficient evidence that she subverted regulatory controls and would be enough to convict her. But the agency will not press charges because Rand has been dead for 27 years. “If she were not deceased, she would have faced criminal charges,” said the spokeswoman.

Instead, an effigy of Rand will be set up in a plastic pillory along the Long Island Expressway, to remind drivers that opposition to interventionist regimes leads to incompetence and excessive greed. But it may take seven to 21 years to prepare the fiberglass effigy and the pillory.

Patsy’s Plastics, the government contractor that produces effigies and pillories, needed several large bailouts in the past year and has postponed pillory deliveries indefinitely. Patsy’s says it will need much more money to deal with losses and production problems.

Senator Van Trillin said that Patsy’s will have be capitalized with at last $1 trillion for the business to be restructured and put on a sound basis. “We as a society have a moral obligation to do this, because otherwise everything will go out of control and civilization as we know it will end,” he said.

Meanwhile, Patsy’s has hired 78 lobbyists to make sure it gets bailouts.

Feds Seize Holy Grail Model

This morning agents from the Federal United Commission for Knowledge entered the New York sewage system to raid the office of reclusive trader clone Min Max. They carted away several computers containing a program known as the Holy Grail.

According to a statement issued after the raid, Mr. Max used the Holy Grail to solve the case of vanished tattoo icon Sheyba Hihisay, feeding the model a large amount of information related to the disappearance of Hihisay in November. He then took bets on the basis of the program’s estimate of what happened to her.

“He made a small fortune from those bets,” said a official close to the investigation, who spoke on condition on anonymity because the Federal Realm for Imposition of Global Tenets has not given formal permission to make public statements. “The bets are totally unlicensed and unregulated.”

The United Commission would not say what the Holy Grail model predicted and what kinds of bets were made. Mr. Max could not be reached for comments and is said to have escaped from the sewage system through a manhole while being pursued by agents.

Separately, MyMuffyPress.com, a blog that published putative email messages from Senator Van Trillin to Hihisay, was ordered to cease and desist by FRIGT. Mr. Trillin issued a statement saying the emails are fake and a threat to national security.

Min Max Pilloried

Cloned trader Min Max was pilloried for over four hours near an exit on the I-95 in Connecticut Thursday afternoon. The event attracted hundreds of thousands of spectators, whose rubber necking caused massive traffic jams and delays.

There was a12-car pile-up on the Interstate as drivers tried to watch, causing 11 casualties, five of them critical. Another nine-car accident on Highway 1 left one man dead and seven more injured. Also, two SUVs collided on Exit 5 and a woman was run over when she got out of her car to see better.

In addition, a bridge collapsed due to excessive traffic, with three fatalities. Five individuals died of heat exposure when they ran out of gas and sat for hours in their hot cars, unable to escape in the dense traffic.

Because of 10 to 15 hour delays, thousands of families could not go home and slept by the roadside. Of the people sleeping outside, a total of 146 were hospitalized with complaints that included broken bones, dehydration and tick bites. One man was shot and another received several serious knife wounds. The state police said they will investigate but are currently unable to get to the location because marooned cars are blocking the way.

An announcement from the National Loss Avoidance Board described the pillorying as having gone smoothly and according to schedule. “Minor technical issues were encountered but these have been resolved,” said the announcement.

Senator Trillin Backs Tattoo Bill

Congress is expected to pass a law that will provide federal tax relief to tattoo shows and related photo art.

Tattoos have become less affordable with the cost going up as much as 25% in the past year, according to a release from Alligator Alliance. The proposed tax rule allows show organizers and tattoo art collectors to deduct certain expenses.

Senator Van Trillin said there is widespread support for the bill. “Millions of Americans have tattoos and many millions want them,” he said. “They deserve help in these difficult economic times to realize the full potential of their skin.”

He will hold hearings about the problem. “The tattoo community is facing a crisis and there is risk of systemic collapse if nothing is done,” he said. “We can’t wait for the ink to dry on this legislation.”