The philosopher Ayn Rand has been condemned to 40 years of pillory time for causing the financial crisis, $30 trillion in losses, the collapse of banks and the Barnard Madoff fraud. Because she opposed government intervention, regulators did not sufficiently control financial firms, resulting in mayhem.
She may have also passed air without getting a license and government permission. The breaking of wind, left largely unregulated for centuries, is widely blamed for creating bubbles. Recently a new bureau, the Federal Agency for Rectal Transmission, was set up to supervise the passing of air and prevent systemic excess.
A spokeswoman said that Rand’s voluminous writings on individualism are sufficient evidence that she subverted regulatory controls and would be enough to convict her. But the agency will not press charges because Rand has been dead for 27 years. “If she were not deceased, she would have faced criminal charges,” said the spokeswoman.
Instead, an effigy of Rand will be set up in a plastic pillory along the Long Island Expressway, to remind drivers that opposition to interventionist regimes leads to incompetence and excessive greed. But it may take seven to 21 years to prepare the fiberglass effigy and the pillory.
Patsy’s Plastics, the government contractor that produces effigies and pillories, needed several large bailouts in the past year and has postponed pillory deliveries indefinitely. Patsy’s says it will need much more money to deal with losses and production problems.
Senator Van Trillin said that Patsy’s will have be capitalized with at last $1 trillion for the business to be restructured and put on a sound basis. “We as a society have a moral obligation to do this, because otherwise everything will go out of control and civilization as we know it will end,” he said.
Meanwhile, Patsy’s has hired 78 lobbyists to make sure it gets bailouts.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Feds Seize Holy Grail Model
This morning agents from the Federal United Commission for Knowledge entered the New York sewage system to raid the office of reclusive trader clone Min Max. They carted away several computers containing a program known as the Holy Grail.
According to a statement issued after the raid, Mr. Max used the Holy Grail to solve the case of vanished tattoo icon Sheyba Hihisay, feeding the model a large amount of information related to the disappearance of Hihisay in November. He then took bets on the basis of the program’s estimate of what happened to her.
“He made a small fortune from those bets,” said a official close to the investigation, who spoke on condition on anonymity because the Federal Realm for Imposition of Global Tenets has not given formal permission to make public statements. “The bets are totally unlicensed and unregulated.”
The United Commission would not say what the Holy Grail model predicted and what kinds of bets were made. Mr. Max could not be reached for comments and is said to have escaped from the sewage system through a manhole while being pursued by agents.
Separately, MyMuffyPress.com, a blog that published putative email messages from Senator Van Trillin to Hihisay, was ordered to cease and desist by FRIGT. Mr. Trillin issued a statement saying the emails are fake and a threat to national security.
According to a statement issued after the raid, Mr. Max used the Holy Grail to solve the case of vanished tattoo icon Sheyba Hihisay, feeding the model a large amount of information related to the disappearance of Hihisay in November. He then took bets on the basis of the program’s estimate of what happened to her.
“He made a small fortune from those bets,” said a official close to the investigation, who spoke on condition on anonymity because the Federal Realm for Imposition of Global Tenets has not given formal permission to make public statements. “The bets are totally unlicensed and unregulated.”
The United Commission would not say what the Holy Grail model predicted and what kinds of bets were made. Mr. Max could not be reached for comments and is said to have escaped from the sewage system through a manhole while being pursued by agents.
Separately, MyMuffyPress.com, a blog that published putative email messages from Senator Van Trillin to Hihisay, was ordered to cease and desist by FRIGT. Mr. Trillin issued a statement saying the emails are fake and a threat to national security.
Min Max Pilloried
Cloned trader Min Max was pilloried for over four hours near an exit on the I-95 in Connecticut Thursday afternoon. The event attracted hundreds of thousands of spectators, whose rubber necking caused massive traffic jams and delays.
There was a12-car pile-up on the Interstate as drivers tried to watch, causing 11 casualties, five of them critical. Another nine-car accident on Highway 1 left one man dead and seven more injured. Also, two SUVs collided on Exit 5 and a woman was run over when she got out of her car to see better.
In addition, a bridge collapsed due to excessive traffic, with three fatalities. Five individuals died of heat exposure when they ran out of gas and sat for hours in their hot cars, unable to escape in the dense traffic.
Because of 10 to 15 hour delays, thousands of families could not go home and slept by the roadside. Of the people sleeping outside, a total of 146 were hospitalized with complaints that included broken bones, dehydration and tick bites. One man was shot and another received several serious knife wounds. The state police said they will investigate but are currently unable to get to the location because marooned cars are blocking the way.
An announcement from the National Loss Avoidance Board described the pillorying as having gone smoothly and according to schedule. “Minor technical issues were encountered but these have been resolved,” said the announcement.
There was a12-car pile-up on the Interstate as drivers tried to watch, causing 11 casualties, five of them critical. Another nine-car accident on Highway 1 left one man dead and seven more injured. Also, two SUVs collided on Exit 5 and a woman was run over when she got out of her car to see better.
In addition, a bridge collapsed due to excessive traffic, with three fatalities. Five individuals died of heat exposure when they ran out of gas and sat for hours in their hot cars, unable to escape in the dense traffic.
Because of 10 to 15 hour delays, thousands of families could not go home and slept by the roadside. Of the people sleeping outside, a total of 146 were hospitalized with complaints that included broken bones, dehydration and tick bites. One man was shot and another received several serious knife wounds. The state police said they will investigate but are currently unable to get to the location because marooned cars are blocking the way.
An announcement from the National Loss Avoidance Board described the pillorying as having gone smoothly and according to schedule. “Minor technical issues were encountered but these have been resolved,” said the announcement.
Dead Clone’s Legacy Reveals Holy Grail
A replicated trader who drowned in a puddle last year left behind the ultimate quantitative model in his computer, according to his partner, Min Max.
“It gets all the Greeks right, even the ones nobody knows about,” said Mr. Max, speaking at a press conference he held by a manhole. “Omicron, rho, tau, they’re all perfect, the signs are right going back 120 years. Lambda is nothing to these. It’s just the dream model.”
He demonstrated the derivation of upsilon on the sidewalk, but declined to explain it, except for saying it is one of the Greeks. “This is proprietary,” he said, washing the symbols off the sidewalk with a water bottle before reporters could copy them.
“I don’t have time to explain because I have to go and short sell Patsy’s immediately,” he said, disappearing into the manhole.
Mr. Max’s partner drowned under mysterious circumstances, although it was reported that he was trying to escape from alligators in the New York sewage system. How he came to possess the model is unclear.
Journalists looked for treasure in the manhole after Mr. Max was gone, but none could be found.
“It gets all the Greeks right, even the ones nobody knows about,” said Mr. Max, speaking at a press conference he held by a manhole. “Omicron, rho, tau, they’re all perfect, the signs are right going back 120 years. Lambda is nothing to these. It’s just the dream model.”
He demonstrated the derivation of upsilon on the sidewalk, but declined to explain it, except for saying it is one of the Greeks. “This is proprietary,” he said, washing the symbols off the sidewalk with a water bottle before reporters could copy them.
“I don’t have time to explain because I have to go and short sell Patsy’s immediately,” he said, disappearing into the manhole.
Mr. Max’s partner drowned under mysterious circumstances, although it was reported that he was trying to escape from alligators in the New York sewage system. How he came to possess the model is unclear.
Journalists looked for treasure in the manhole after Mr. Max was gone, but none could be found.
Senator Trillin Backs Tattoo Bill
Congress is expected to pass a law that will provide federal tax relief to tattoo shows and related photo art.
Tattoos have become less affordable with the cost going up as much as 25% in the past year, according to a release from Alligator Alliance. The proposed tax rule allows show organizers and tattoo art collectors to deduct certain expenses.
Senator Van Trillin said there is widespread support for the bill. “Millions of Americans have tattoos and many millions want them,” he said. “They deserve help in these difficult economic times to realize the full potential of their skin.”
He will hold hearings about the problem. “The tattoo community is facing a crisis and there is risk of systemic collapse if nothing is done,” he said. “We can’t wait for the ink to dry on this legislation.”
Tattoos have become less affordable with the cost going up as much as 25% in the past year, according to a release from Alligator Alliance. The proposed tax rule allows show organizers and tattoo art collectors to deduct certain expenses.
Senator Van Trillin said there is widespread support for the bill. “Millions of Americans have tattoos and many millions want them,” he said. “They deserve help in these difficult economic times to realize the full potential of their skin.”
He will hold hearings about the problem. “The tattoo community is facing a crisis and there is risk of systemic collapse if nothing is done,” he said. “We can’t wait for the ink to dry on this legislation.”
Mortadella May Sell Stake to Sovereign Wealth Fund
Markets were roiled by rumors that Mortadella Investment Group LLC is in discussions with a government-controlled wealth fund from Asia or the Middle East. The fast-growing multi-strategy hedge fund is said to be looking for an infusion of cash to buy investment banks.
Manager Jeff Mortadella, a reclusive financier who made a fortune trading cured meat futures and later diversified into loans and media, declined to comment through a spokeswoman.
Bank stocks shot up in expectation of an acquisition by Mortadella but went down later in the day as traders lost hope of a deal.
The US dollar lost ground as some observers argued that the sale is troubling. “When an American institution like Mortadella may be owned by a foreign government, it’s no surprise that Americans feel the country has lost its way,” said professor Joshua Joshing from Dunkel University Business School.
Mr. Mortadella was last seen last month attending a lavish gala for the benefit of the Foundation for Body Painting and Tattoo Arts, a philanthropic organization he set up.
Manager Jeff Mortadella, a reclusive financier who made a fortune trading cured meat futures and later diversified into loans and media, declined to comment through a spokeswoman.
Bank stocks shot up in expectation of an acquisition by Mortadella but went down later in the day as traders lost hope of a deal.
The US dollar lost ground as some observers argued that the sale is troubling. “When an American institution like Mortadella may be owned by a foreign government, it’s no surprise that Americans feel the country has lost its way,” said professor Joshua Joshing from Dunkel University Business School.
Mr. Mortadella was last seen last month attending a lavish gala for the benefit of the Foundation for Body Painting and Tattoo Arts, a philanthropic organization he set up.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Cured Meat Hedge Fund Said to be Fabrication
An article published last week in The Dried Tomato may contain inaccuracies and will be withdrawn, the culture and lifestyle magazine announced. The story was about Jeff Mortadella, manager of a hedge fund called Mortadella Investment Group LLC in Cementville, New Jersey. He was described as a self-made man and an enthusiastic patron of body painting arts.
Following the publication, there were numerous postings on the Net suggesting that no person or hedge fund by that name exists. Thousands of bloggers crisscrossed the Garden State in search of Mortadella and hundreds of new blogs sprung up to deal with related questions, such as whether this type of sausage contains any meat other than pork.
The blogger who writes WildBoar.com claims that Mortadella is actually a historical character from mediaeval Italy who was known for the excellent wild boar sausages he sold from the back of his donkey cart.
According to The Dried Tomato story, Jeff Mortadella is a New Jersey native who came from a poor family of waste disposal specialists but made a fortune trading cured meat futures and gave millions of dollars to local artists in the body painting, piercing and tattoo arts. “I want to help everyone get a great tattoo,” he is quoted as saying. “Humanity can do so much more with its skin.”
“We are still investigating this,” said The Dried Tomato editor Thomas Hogtried. “We’re very serious about any infringement of our standards. We will get to the bottom of the pot. I deeply regret any inconvenience to the many people who tried to find the body painted Angelina Jolie look-alikes mentioned in the article.”
Mr. Hogtried explained that the investigation is hampered by the author of the story being imaginary. “All our authors are imaginary as a matter of principle,” he said. “We have the best software to generate editorial content. It has great integrity, but sometimes there’s a bug and we get into trouble.”
Following the publication, there were numerous postings on the Net suggesting that no person or hedge fund by that name exists. Thousands of bloggers crisscrossed the Garden State in search of Mortadella and hundreds of new blogs sprung up to deal with related questions, such as whether this type of sausage contains any meat other than pork.
The blogger who writes WildBoar.com claims that Mortadella is actually a historical character from mediaeval Italy who was known for the excellent wild boar sausages he sold from the back of his donkey cart.
According to The Dried Tomato story, Jeff Mortadella is a New Jersey native who came from a poor family of waste disposal specialists but made a fortune trading cured meat futures and gave millions of dollars to local artists in the body painting, piercing and tattoo arts. “I want to help everyone get a great tattoo,” he is quoted as saying. “Humanity can do so much more with its skin.”
“We are still investigating this,” said The Dried Tomato editor Thomas Hogtried. “We’re very serious about any infringement of our standards. We will get to the bottom of the pot. I deeply regret any inconvenience to the many people who tried to find the body painted Angelina Jolie look-alikes mentioned in the article.”
Mr. Hogtried explained that the investigation is hampered by the author of the story being imaginary. “All our authors are imaginary as a matter of principle,” he said. “We have the best software to generate editorial content. It has great integrity, but sometimes there’s a bug and we get into trouble.”
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